new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
