I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
