You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
