1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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