I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize