Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
