Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
