In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
