Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
