Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
