i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
