I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize