I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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