I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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