my soul wont recognize me after tonight
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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