worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
