Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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