Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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