i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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