This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
