If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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