Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
