i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
accomplished twins. life is a go
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I party with great urgency now.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize