just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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