Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
