Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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