can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
