it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
