No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
