Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
