everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She bit a glass in half.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
