bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
