if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
