i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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