I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
