I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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