This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
