remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
