just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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