I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
