In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
