I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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