so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
