Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
