so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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