How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
