I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
