I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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