Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
