Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize