I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
