i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
