There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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