Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
