Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
