I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
