Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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