I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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